I go from lying in bed to sitting on a deck; from sleep to a dream like state where I observe nature from the safety of a fortress. I feel stuck in a limbo that is somewhere between life and death. I know I would feel lonely if I could feel loneliness. Unfortunately the numbness that protects me from that does not seem to insulate me from the shame I feel for wasting this privilege; for being unable to fulfill my friends’ requests to send them reports on my time away. I wish I could give them the gift of this time and place so it would not be wasted. The sun peaks through the clouds and warms my naked feet. I did not realize they were cold until they were warm.
I have grown tired of my dark moods. My pain. My numbness. I am not sure what it means to surrender but I am ready to do so. Tears stream down my cheek. I wonder if these are the moments when people decide to join cults, religions; when they decide to run away, buy sports cars or even end their lives. Surrender. The word resonates in my soul. What does it mean?