How much pain there is in having needs that I alone cannot fulfill. I turn away from myself and become the emptiness I feel.

The very work that wearies my soul keeps me alive. What would become of me if I did not attend to the needs of others? When once this was a way of vicariously fulfilling myself now it is simply a way to keep my heart beating.

My legs move in circles on this exercise machine. I look out at the gym and realize that I do not feel connected to anyone or anything. I keep the emptiness confined to this corner of the universe. Indifference hurts and I do not wish to hurt the world in the way that it has hurt me. I realize that however misguided it may be, this narrative makes me the pathetic hero of a pathetic tale. It allows me to stay connected to some semblance of my humanity.

I am not above lying to myself. The hunger that defines my very being is both an essential truth and a miserable lie. The only thing I can say with certainty is that I am tired. Too tired for this day. Too tired to finish this entry.

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