Where once there was an amorphous, ineffable and heavy pain in my heart there is now a sharp and clearly defined one. When once I had a shield of avoidance and the armor of numbness I now stand naked. I know why I hurt and I know the pain that is to come.
The road ahead will be faced with effort and courage but will inevitably include failures and rejections (both big and small).
It is easy (as in familiar) to live life as the responder–to only act when there is a near guarantee of getting what I want. It is terrifying to reach out when there is the possibility of nobody being there; of expressing my love when it is uncertain that the love will be reciprocated just when I need it. It is easier to be found (however dissatisfying) than to seek.
My only comfort is the pinhole of light I see on the horizon. There is lightness, love and freedom there. It is faith more than strength that is pulling me along.
In a perfect world I would have been guided toward that light when it was appropriate to be carried there. But it is not and so I will run, walk, stumble, trip and fall toward it.
My metaphors are simplistic. My writing unimaginative. But somehow that feels true and sincere. I can’t be clever about any of this. I don’t want to hide behind my restrained aphorisms and disembodied fantasy worlds because they are part of the numbness. I am excited. I am terrified. I hurt. Learning how to be alive is not easy.