My Friday in Sort-of-Quarantine. Asterisks will be placed after everything that shows privilege.

–Wake up at 8am and think to myself, “Holy shit balls. How am I going to do four video sessions in a row when I’ve only done two in my life?”*

–I soon wonder if I want to eat breakfast or not while guzzling down 20 ounces of coffee. *

–Decide not to eat breakfast and to instead eat a few healthy snacks between sessions.*

–Exchange a few texts with good friends. Realize that the content of the texts feels less important today than the reaching out.*

–Notice that my natural bedhead has made for a hair day for the ages. Worry that my clients will all experience erotic transference. Then realize that I’m projecting my own feelings toward myself onto them.*

–Have four video sessions with clients. They go pretty darn well all things considered. Tired nevertheless.*

–In between some of the sessions I exchange letters (emails) with woman I met on dating site. Worry that I said something off-putting in response to one of her very flirtatious messages. Neurotic worry. Did I misread that? Uh-oh! Or maybe she’s just living her life. Oh well.*

–Decide to go on a run. Run for 49 minutes (well if I’m honest, I run hard for about 30 of those minutes and walk the rest).*

–Come back and ask “Do I even want to eat lunch? Maybe a little fasting thing is good?” I sure as heck felt chubby on that run. Eat some trail mix. *

–Sit down and think for a moment about what is really happening in the world. How the world is going to be changed in ways that I can’t wrap my mind around. Hoping some of the changes are for the better. Scared about the ones that will not be. I picture one of my friends to help calm my nerves.

–Decide to sit down and write woman from dating site one last time (unless she responds in which case it won’t be the last time). Ask her about music and poetry. Decide that since we’re doing everything unconventionally (and since she’s clearly quite brilliant and clever) that she might enjoy my questions. At peace with idea that she may not write back. Almost more worried that one of my close friends will be more disappointed than I am! Realize that’s sweet. *

–Decide to have a bubbly water. Wonder why I did not stock up on more.*

–Worry about my toilet paper running out. Decide that I want to write an open letter to the country that goes:

Dear Fellow Americans,

It is important to write from the mind and the heart. But it is equally important to write from the butthole. And it is from that place that I remind you all to stop hoarding TP. TP will not protect you from the virus or cure your death anxiety.

For the sake of all of our buttholes please remember: Sharing is caring and it is important that we–literally–have each others’ backs at times like these.


My Butthole *

–Decide to sit down and write this frivolous entry because…I don’t know. Not everything has to be deep and heavy. Sometimes the darkness leads you right into inanely funny places.*

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