I would like to make it outside today. Even if it is to drive my car to the wash or to check my mail. A window sits in front of me–right behind the very screen upon which these words appear. I see a sunny day. I see colors. I see people.

When I think of leaving my heart quickens with fear. What is this fear? It is not the virus that worries me at this moment. I am afraid of…feeling. Of feeling the things that are pleasurable for fear of feeling everything that hurts. I do not wish to acknowledge what is there because then I must acknowledge what is not.

I am afraid that my heart will not be able to hold the immensity of all that is there and all that is not.