How lovely it is to live like a gentle observer–of others, of the world. of myself. It feels as if all I need is right here within reach: a bed on which to sleep; sidewalks on which to stroll; unseasoned turkey patties and vegetables on which to dine; books to read; films to watch; games to play; and windows from which to idly observe the outside world. My thoughts are pleasant and easy. They lead to nowhere important. My emotions are there but they’re only gentle breezes. I feel happily…dumb.
From this place it is hard to recognize that version of me who complains of romantic loneliness and who has, at times, envied those who have not known loneliness like mine. From where I currently stand I am the enviable one. Content with so little. My biggest moves are but tiny adjustments for my bodily comfort: positioning the fan in a certain direction; opening a window; getting a glass of water.
Who am I right now? A gentle soul with a gentle smile. Content. Simple. Unattached. Lazy. Relaxed. Perhaps even slightly naive. Loving…yes. But without longing.
Even in this dumb naivety, I know that this too shall pass. Perhaps in an hour. Perhaps in a few days. But for now I want to keep following this path without hope or expectation. This path of…surrender.