I suddenly become aware of myself as I stare out of the window with, what I imagine, is the absent look of someone whose spirit is on leave from life but whose body lingers behind.
What was I seeking out there? A heartbeat? A hug? A cheerful hello? A sweet lingering goodbye? A reason?
I fear I will fail to articulate this well since it is something I have never shared with another soul: at times I catch a whiff of a familiar scent that I cannot connect to anything. My mind scrambles to find the memory or the source to which it belongs, but succeeds only in leaving me disoriented. It is a scent that has haunted me for over a decade. I know in my heart that it is connected to an unpleasant and bygone memory that may forever elude me.
I say this only to add to the list of possibilities: perhaps I am searching for the scent that might explain why I am so frequently lost and alone. The thing that might help me understand why I am so frequently looking absently—and longingly?—out of a window.