i used to derive so much meaning from helping my clients last week two clients thanked their lucky stars they had found me they nostalgically looked back on how they find me on why they knew i was the right fit for them i pretended that i was happy for them but i couldn’t feel anything i was numb it was like they were talking about someone else and i played along i can’t fathom the idea that i really exist or that i really make any sort of impact on the world i sit here in the relative dark of dusk and i won’t turn on the light because i don’t want to shine a light on this emptiness if my heart stopped beating in my sleep tonight how long would it take for someone to realize it? these tears keep falling and i keep emptying my nose of snot in the sink and then washing the snot from the sink today when i sat in the office i wanted to feel something like a desire to come back to it or a sense of safety i don’t feel like i have a home i have shelters for work and sleep but no home i don’t feel at home here i don’t feel at home in my family home and i don’t feel at home in the office i don’t feel at home in this city i don’t feel like i really belong anywhere i have nowhere to go

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