This is where I feel free. Least alone. (At least when I can keep my critical voice out.) When the voice in my head gets too intense it helps me feel in control to move the words from inside my head to out there on the screen. I would like to do creative writing again, to be less literal about things–but I can’t go back there yet. I can barely remember the guy who did that consistently. It probably has something to do with the rest of my “stuckness” (lack of libido, creativity, etc). So what I’m left with is a semi-public diary. A compromise between having conversations and remaining completely silent.

This is one of those times when I needed to write in order to soothe myself but not because I had anything specific to say. In my head there were a list of things forming–things I miss and don’t miss. The things-I-miss-list was getting really big and I began to feel sad and hopeless. So I turned to the keyboard. Crap, I don’t have anything more to say but I feel like I need to keep writing for a big longer. Yes it’s self-indulgent but it’s better than alcohol, drugs, cutting, etc, isn’t it?

When I think about writing creatively I think of writing from a more serene and observational perspective. From that place where I’m really using my sensitivity to take the world in and noticing every little beautiful thing. Conversely I also miss my aphorisms because they represent a deep dive into ideas–a kind of perverse joy at playing with ideas in a devilishly irreverent way. I even miss (though these are not things I share here) having creative erotic fantasies. The latter seems the furthest away right now. Which makes sense.

Late last night I was having a cry and I realized I wasn’t breathing. I took a deep breath in and when I breathed out I emitted a sound that I was not expecting. It was strange. It was like a deep “ohh” but it was quite animal-like. It didn’t come from the surface me; from the conscious me. It was like a breathing out a pain so deep that it came from my animal self. In the moment I didn’t know what to make of it but looking back I like that it happened. It’s difficult to articulate why. Perhaps because that sound was more authentic than any amount of words. It kind of calmed my mind. It was almost as if the sound encapsulated all the pointless meanderings in my head and sorted them out in a simple way. I wish I could have recorded it to play back to myself. Animal wisdom? Maybe. Perhaps to think about it any further is to ruin it.

I feel less anxious now. More clear-headed. It will sound like a paradox but right now being clear-headed means that I’m aware that I’m a little lost and confused but without the desperation that often accompanies this realization. My days are a roller coaster ride. From pain/desperation/deep loneliness to finding the ground somehow. And yeah, there are times when I can’t find the ground. So how to be nice to myself about it? Well, I can’t always find the ground but neither have I left the atmosphere. Ummm….E. commented that I seemed more present (I felt sad but it does mean something that I was at least more grounded in a very attuned person’s eyes). Ummm…I’m giving what I can. Finding the middle-ground between mindlessly giving and never responding to anything. I’m finding the middle-ground between trying hard and resting. Or I think I am, anyway. I suppose that’s where the doubt creeps in. Don’t think about it too hard. Let it go. Okay…done with that part.

I think the part that is tiring is my awareness that this calm I feel right now might leave me in an hour. Or two. Or three. And then I’ll have to find the ground again. It is as though this has become my full-time job away from my job.

I have a haircut appointment in less than an hour. I used to love going to those. Right now I don’t feel like it, but I will go. And then I will not feel like exercising but I will probably succeed in doing so. Lots of “as if” stuff. Lots of faking it or doing things that I know are good for me even though my kid doesn’t “wanna”. Then in-between all of that adult stuff I’ll curl up with some comics. So long as I am doing the adult things and then doing the little sweet things maybe I’m doing okay regardless of how I feel internally.

I really want to feel joy again. I want to laugh more consistently. I want to be with my friends in-person more frequently. I want to…live. I hope I am moving in that direction but…don’t think about it too much. Just focus on what’s in front of you. Which is…go brush your teeth.

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