The loneliness and lack of human presence is beginning to hurt quite a lot in spite of doing “healthy” things for myself.

I focused on helping other people through my work: four hours of not dwelling on myself. I ate healthy food and went on a walk. I did a ten minute meditation. I opened my blinds to allow the beautiful sunlight into my apartment.

I’m doing my best to embrace and accept that this is the new reality. But pretending that I don’t feel the emotional impact of social isolation is as silly as denying that I get hungry or thirsty. The loneliness is more oppressive than the sort to which I’m accustomed. It’s more…restless. Loneliness tends to make me hypo-aroused where the last couple of days I feel a bit manic and, for brief periods, I have a difficult time making sense of things that aren’t that complicated: I re-read sentences and rewind movie scenes a lot. There is a work related thread that goes back and forth between the tenants of my office and I can’t join in because everyone’s emails seem…long and overwhelming. There are these brief moments of time where I feel a bit…bonkers.

After everything I’ve done today I think I’ve earned the right to some escapism so I’m going to play a video game. I just laughed but I’m not sure why. Maybe the word “bonkers” was good to write. A humorous way to describe a scary thing. Hmm.

I don’t think I have any readers other than my friends, but if anyone who lives alone happens feels a bit bonkers and happens upon this I’m sending you an extra bit of warmth and, if you want, send a good thought my way too.

PS: It’s remarkable what we’re capable of, no? I could be pacing around feeling like a bit of a lunatic and then suddenly pull it together for a session. Yeah–pretty remarkable. Pretty awful and great.

In a moment of lunacy I caught myself whispering while pacing my living room, “You are so beautiful”.

After coming to my senses I realized that I was writing my epitaph—the exact inscription I want on my tombstone.

Even now, the morning after, I feel a sense of joy imagining a stranger happening upon a nameless tombstone that simply reads: You are so beautiful.